Despite decades of reassurance to the contrary by government officials, conspiracy theorists are again claiming that the luxury toilet paper reserve supposedly backing much of our $1.2 trillion of circulating currency is actually nonexistent.
Paranoid economists have long posited that our whole monetary structure is an elaborate sham, with nothing but meaningless government promises as collateral for the fiat money we use every day. And although government promises are enough for any truly patriotic citizen, extremists have repeatedly demanded to see evidence of the 147 million rolls of bath tissue that federal officials maintain are housed in the vault.
And the reluctance of the Feds to provide that proof is stirring up old rumors.
“All we want is an audit,” stated Dr. Ron Paul, a vocal critic of U.S. monetary policy. “If the tissue is all there, why wouldn’t they want to prove it?”
Paul went on to suggest an outlandish theory that the vault was entirely empty.
“Or even worse,” the clearly unhinged libertarian concluded, “the Charmin might have been replaced with material of lesser value, such as single-ply counterfeit from Dollar Tree.
“We might have nothing between us and economic disaster but one layer of flimsy ‘Loo for Less.’”
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