Although his promise to ban all gun models other than the Nerf Mediocre Squirter prompted outrage from obsessive Constitutionalists, Joe Biden’s approval ratings quickly surged all the way to the low teens once he explained that impounding the firearms would not only end gun violence, but also solve the current COVID-19 epidemic.
After an altercation with a voter who accused Biden of trying to “take our guns” (an allegation Biden vehemently denied, despite the fact that he was actually wrestling guns out of voters’ hands as he spoke), the presidential candidate calmed the heckler by using both his legendary smooth tongue and his solid policy ideas.
“Listen, you horse-faced soldier’s dog,” Biden began eloquently, “not only am I going to take all of your ARs that are teens… and maybe early twenties… but I’m going to use them to heal disease in a way not seen since the bloodletting of the Middle Ages cured the Plague. We’ll shoot every one of those viruses until there’s not one left.
“My plan will use those AR-14s to eradicate COVID-15 entirely,” he yelled, as his campaign manager begged (unsuccessfully) for him to please, for the love of Pete, just stop talking immediately.
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