In yet another example of the heroism typical of political figures, presidential-turned-senatorial candidate Joe Biden recently regaled his rapt audience with the tale of the particular exploit that earned him the Presidential Medal of Freedom. In his latest town hall, he related the little-known story of being jailed in South Africa, after which he revealed that that the adventure only grew more perilous from there.
“So there we were, just me and Corn Pop,” crooned the master storyteller. “I’d inspired him to give up his life of black market cereal deals, and he’d become a real friend and asset to our cause, which was to kneecap underground breakfast cereal dealers before they got the generic Reese’s Puffs on the streets, where young children could have been endangered.
Biden went on to explain that during an undercover shopping trip, they were caught by industrial spies (sometimes known as cashiers) employed by the Aldi corporation, and he was given two choices: facing enforced consumption of Peenut Budder Mushees for the duration of his time there, or be sentenced to a long stint in prison. Choosing the lesser of two evils, Biden agreed to serve his sentence in a high-security facility that at least offered brand-name Lucky Charms.
But Biden had something else up his sleeve.
Evidently, Corn Pop owed Biden one more favor, and the desperate Biden called it in. The two worked together to secure the use of a helicopter, and they boldly made a break for freedom in what Biden claims was a military chopper (although some witnesses insist it was actually a Segway scooter). Unfortunately, South African Aldi goons spotted them, and according to Biden (who during his speech was by now being chased around the stage by men in white lab coats attempting to give him his little paper cup of medication), they were attacked by the enemy, finally being shot and killed by a sniper as his Segway…er, helicopter… hit the pavement.
“Then they turned me into a newt,” continued Biden, still adeptly avoiding his enemies in the lab coats on stage.
Seeing the looks of confusion on faces in the audience, Biden summoned every last ounce of clarity he could muster and admitted in a charming English accent…
“I got better!”
Then everyone clapped (except the lab coat villains, who finally succeeded in tackling Biden and administering what can only be assumed to be newt medicine).
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