Despite suggestions that his medical expertise is inadequate to oversee the battle against a potentially catastrophic disease outbreak, Vice President Mike Pence has proven himself more than competent in his new role. He has already taken aggressive action against the crisis, enacting modern solutions such as essential-oil-infused plague masks, genetically modified leeches, and advanced humour balancing.
The reviews of his methods have not been without criticism from meddling physicians, many of whom have reminded anybody who will listen that we are not living in the 14th Century and have made significant progress in disease control since then.
“Bird masks, although stylish, have not been shown to provide adequate protection against pathogens,” argued one prominent physician.
Asked to elaborate on the term “pathogen,” he explained simply, “They’re germs. For example, viruses or bacteria.” Faced with continued blank stares from listening reporters, the doctor sighed in seeming resignation, “Evil vapors, okay? The magical vapors that cause disease.”
Although several other members of the medical community have concurred that the appointment of Pence is ill-advised, President Donald Trump has been putting minds at ease by reassuring citizens that he is he known for putting the right people in the right positions.
“I knew enough to put a brilliant physician in charge of inner-city housing,” Trump reminded listeners. “I think you will all come to realize that a lawyer is the right choice for disease pandemic management.”
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