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As net worth nears $1 billion, Bernie debuts “trillionaires shouldn’t exist” slogan

At last night’s presidential debate, many listeners thought they heard Senator Bernie Sanders proclaim that “billionaires shouldn’t exist,” prompting them to assume he disapproved of the wealth level of fellow contender Mike Bloomberg. But after leaked bank statements indicated that his net worth was approaching the $1 billion mark, Sanders clarified that he had actually indicated that it was the trillionaire class that was responsible for the ills of all humanity. 

He went on to clarify that this had always been his position, and that it had nothing to do with the completely unrelated financial information coming to light. 

This was not the first time that a malfunctioning microphone had “misquoted” Senator Sanders, as witnesses claimed years ago that they had heard him decry the evils of the millionaire. After another unrelated leak showing his net worth seemed to place him in that very class, listeners attested that Sanders told them that he had actually used the term billionaire. But now, it seems that all previous observers were equally misled, and that Sanders’ position is and has always been that billionaires are actually the best candidates to help the working man get his just rewards from the evil ruling class.

 Which, to reiterate, is the trillionaire class. 

Editor’s note: After our reporter interviewed Senator Sanders and informed him that no actual trillionaires existed anywhere on Earth, Sanders clarified that it was the multi-billionaire class against which he had always railed, and he frankly “can’t understand why nobody can get some decent microphones for once.”

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