After buying all available advertising time on every existing station, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg is in talks with Cable News Network (CNN) to buy them out and convert the channel to a 24/7 campaign commercial platform, tentatively named Bloomberg Advertising Network (BAN).
“This is the logical next step in the evolution of CNN,” read a joint statement put out by the Bloomberg campaign and the news station’s public relations team. “CNN has been promoting democratic candidates for free for decades, and Mr. Bloomberg has graciously agreed to compensate us for the services rendered. BAN, appropriately named for its goal of banning any competition, can now focus strictly on promoting Mr. Bloomberg.
“We also feel this will streamline the time-honored process of buying elections,” concluded the statement. “Previous expectations of impartiality have led to a complicated system of purchasing votes, but our modern society allows for a more open exchange of money for visibility.”
Concerns that a political party dedicated to the disenfranchised should not allow a rich old white guy to buy the election were quickly put to rest by Bloomberg himself.
“That’s only a problem if the rich old white male candidate doesn’t know what’s best for the disenfranchised community,” Bloomberg reassured citizens at a followup press conference. “But I promise that I know better than anybody else what you need, and I’m willing to pay to help you understand that.”
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