After decades of the law turning a blind eye to Halloween candy “reappropriation,” an Act of Congress has finally given recourse to the young victims.
And you may be surprised to know that you are almost certainly now a felon.
Passed late Halloween night of this year, the At Least the Good Candy Protection Act reads, “Only the festively dressed procurer of sweet confections shall be entitled to partake of them, excepting only such confections as are deemed undesirable anyway, including but not limited to Good and Plenty, candy corn, and those little wrapped thingies that are supposed to taste like peanut butter but are really just like the generic hot dogs of the candy world.”
Unfortunately for most parents, by the time they awoke to see the news of its passing, the law had already rendered them criminals, and congressional spokespeople remind all citizens that ignorance of the law is no excuse. They add that it is no fault of theirs if you were not watching C-SPAN at 11:30 Halloween night.
It should be noted that the customary 10% candy tax effected by parents in the I Put a Freaking Roof Over Your Head So I Deserve This Act of 1972 still remains legal, but legislators have emphasized that they know you took more than 10%. They also wish to add that you still have chocolate on your face. No, a little to the left. No, just…
Oh, forget it.
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