After his tragic demise last week, the world is mourning the loss of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, a man noted for his attention to detail in mosque maintenance, scripture recitation, and infidel beheading. Nobody took the news harder than the humanitarians at The Washington Post, and they scrambled to find the responsible party.
What they found was a very bad boi.
Unsurprisingly, their investigative journalism uncovered a vicious trained assassin. But to everyone’s shock, the culprit proved to be not a white American male, but a darker European breed. Although sources have argued on his exact ancestry, most believe he is either a German Shepherd or a Belgian Malinois, both of which are noted for their xenophobia and racism.
What is not in question is that the naughty pooch cornered a helpless al-Baghdadi as the gentle jihadist tried to escape. Obviously hungry for blood and driven by nationalism, the canine drove the frightened man to take his own life and deprive the world of an irreplaceable treasure.
Fortunately, The Washington Post has promised to write enough sensationalist headlines to properly shame anybody involved in this brutal assassination. And one can only hope that they will continue to bring attention to this horrific martyrdom until the military agrees to stop killing these austere scholars.
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