Although viewers of the recent debate claimed that Robert Frances O’Flannigan McGregor O’Rourke–known as “Beto,” for reasons that remain a mystery–was dodging questions about gun confiscation, the reason for his demure responses has now become clear. Not wanting to place too many cards in full view of his rivals, Beto kept his plan hidden until it was ready for primetime.
And he seems to have decided that now is that time.
With Halloween approaching, Beto has been drafting a proposal that would convince government-hating firearm owners to happily hand over the only things that stand between them and the next Hitler takeover: their guns. As the right to bear arms is only protected by the Almighty, the Constitution, and just general common sense, Beto feels he can easily disarm people with the promise of Halloween candy, a trade method used by crafty students in elementary schools for years.
After conducting research on the most popular Halloween treats, Beto is now ready to stockpile the most convincing brands and ready himself for what promises to be a successful trade.
Revealing again that he knows what the people want, Beto says he has stocked up on those squishy orange slices, Boston Baked beans, the candy Valentine hearts that taste like toothpaste, and plenty of candy corn.
“I think this is just the ticket to getting my popularity rating above 2%,” he bragged. “I’ll bet Elizabeth Warren didn’t think of this.”
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