Story reported by staff writer Kenny McGuffin Jr.
At approximately 3:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning, the NYFD and NYPD responded to a fire alarm at the American Museum of Natural History.
“As soon as I heard the alarm, I ran as fast I could though the smoke. I got to the front doors and could already hear the screams of the fire trucks, and the police were not far behind,” recounts Fred Mueller, night shift custodian.
“I was holding the door open for them, but for my safety, the police tased me and dragged me outside in handcuffs.
“When I pointed out that we were now all locked out, the firefighters were forced to grab their axes and smash all the doors.”
When the public servants got inside, they saw smoke billowing from the early human Paleolithic exhibit—commonly referred to as “cavemen.” But what they saw next was something for which none of them had been trained.
“One of the cavemen had evidently been resurrected and was using the 150-year-old copy of the Constitution to build a fire,” explains Capt. Crunch McGee, of the FDNY.
To their credit, despite the seemingly miraculous nature of the situation, the authorities remained steadfast in their obligation to uphold the law.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re a caveman coming back to life or not; any person that is unvaccinated is not allowed in the museum. The law is the law. So I just did my job,” Lt. Harry Dunce said. The police immediately attempted to resolve the situation peacefully by calling Walgreens, and even at the early hour, they were able to quickly locate a pharmacist who was happy to assist the caveman in receiving his first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine.
Unfortunately, the authorities report that the caveman doesn’t care about others and refused the vaccine, so he was promptly placed under arrest and safely removed to a crowded jail. His lawyers have declined comment.
Comments are closed.