Biden “relieved our weapons didn’t fall into hands of unlicensed Americans”

Continuing to tout the obvious success of the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan, President Joe Biden boasted today that despite thousands of weapons being abandoned in Afghanistan, none seemed to have been acquired by any unlicensed Americans.

“We have checked with the Taliban and confirmed that they are safely in possession of our discarded equipment,” Biden reassured his captive audience of unbiased MSNBC reporters. “They have promised not to make them available to any of our citizens under 21, and they have vowed to perform background checks on any American buyers. That includes the hundreds of American citizens possibly still left in Afghanistan. 

“Fortunately,” he concluded, “we are confident that even if they are given access to them, few U.S. citizens will have the money to afford them anyway. Their taxes already paid for them once, so they probably won’t have enough left over to buy them again.”