Last updated on September 7, 2023
In his ongoing efforts to curb undesirable comments on Facebook, chief linguistics officer Mark Zuckerberg is joining forces with Apple to create devices that will incapacitate potential community guideline violators before they have a chance to hit “post.”
In an interview with our reporter (who has asked to remain anonymous to protect her last remaining alt Facebook account), Zuckerberg said that he has been forced by repeat offenders with alt accounts to take physical action.
“The new iPads will use our proven algorithms to discern if someone is about to post a comment containing hate speech or misinformation, and it will proactively shoot them in the eyeball with horse tranquilizer before they can hit the enter key.”
Asked if he was concerned that people making innocent and factual statements might be unfairly silenced on the largest communication platform on Earth, Zuckerberg appeared confused.
“We… have algorithms,” he stated again. “They’re proven.”
Asked if humans created the algorithms or ever personally removed any comments, he began simply repeating the word “algorithms” until an aide was forced to unplug him and plug him back in so he could reboot. (We have been assured that he has fully recovered, but in the opinion of this reporter, he didn’t look so good. The sparks and smoke can’t be normal.)
This is not the first time Zuckerberg has partnered with another organization to prevent unacceptable speech, although this is the first time he has joined another private company to further the cause. Historically, Zuckerberg has preferred to join the federal government in censoring speech, which has been not only ethical but also in no way approaching the realm of downright unconstitutional.
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