Displaying the attention to important issues that has earned his record-breaking approval ratings, President Joe Biden has announced that he will provide clean crack pipes, heroin needles, and other necessary paraphernalia to hard-working addicts who cannot afford to purchase it on their own.
But demonstrating the typical tough-love approach he applies to all his enabling behavior, he has insisted on some ground rules for recipients of his personal generosity with taxpayers’ money.
Biden began his press conference in a downtown San Francisco tent city by clarifying that junkies will need to provide a vax passport in order to receive the complimentary pipes. As he explained, “People who refuse to proactively take charge of their own health by engaging in questionable mandatory tax-funded drug use do not deserve the freedom to engage in questionable voluntary tax-funded drug use.
“While we are a nation of crackheads, we are also a nation of laws.”
He has also made the same stipulation for people receiving free clean heroin needles, whisky shot glasses, and plates large enough to accommodate triple cheeseburgers with a large side of fries.
Biden finished his address by offering to provide help for those in urban areas who may be in need of this assistance, but are unable to procure ID cards, operate computers to search the internet, or capably put on pants to leave the house in order to get their pipes.
“Not everyone can be the American dream like Barack Obama,” Biden said soothingly. “We know most of you need the help of rich white university graduates to function, and we’re here to provide that help.
“Just remember at election time who makes your life possible,” Biden concluded.
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