In yet another sign that the modern electorate has outgrown antiquated policies, a spontaneous effort by frustrated voters has resulted in the abolishment of the traditional Super Tuesday voting extravaganza. According to reports, the day will now be a chance to celebrate good food with neighbors, instead of the current opportunity to rip up their political yard signs and spray-paint political graffiti on their cars (or falsely claim their neighbors did it to theirs).
Although the diverse participants in the movement admitted they had recently argued amongst themselves about important issues such as which candidate is the most racist, people all along the political spectrum evidently came together after seeing the endless pages of voter information and being told that staffers had run out of those little virtue-signaling “I voted” stickers. A spokesperson for the group eloquently summed up their core motivation in a short, powerful speech:
“We all suddenly realized that the current voting system is an outdated tool of the patriarchy, especially when we can’t even have a sticker that lets us effortlessly brag to complete strangers that we did it.”
The group members went on to say that they intended to work on other problematic voting policies next. However, asked if they would begin by seeking to abolish the controversial electoral college, the group spokesperson stared blankly and asked, “You have to go to college to vote? That’s not fair to people who can’t afford to go.
“Yeah, we should definitely get rid of that. Or at least make the college free.”
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