After numerous unflattering clips of his comments were recently released, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg announced today that he would be seeking treatment for a debilitating medical condition that causes him to blurt out derogatory remarks through no fault of his own.
Bloomberg explained that his bizarre statements were not due to his own prejudices, but rather the ongoing result of an unfortunate yoga accident decades ago. During an ill-fated exercise session, he evidently succeeded in contorting himself into the famous Downward George W. Bush pose, expertly maneuvering his foot into his mouth; sadly, he has thus far been unable to retract it.
The explanation came as welcome news to Bloomberg’s fans, all seven of whom had expressed dismay and surprise at the contents of the leaked footage. Whether Bloomberg was supporting death for the elderly or questioning the I.Q. of farmers, even his most ardent supporters had begun to doubt whether he was the right candidate for such a prominent political position.
Bloomberg’s campaign advisors say their camp is optimistic about the outcome of the surgery, with results likely to put his future comments firmly in the George Bush Sr. range (although probably never on par with Reagan). “At this point,” explained one aide, “we are just excited to get Mike out of Joe Biden’s ‘poor kids can be as smart as white kids’ territory.”
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