After Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Venezuela 14th District) expressed concern about Republicans’ extreme “bootstrap initiative,” GOP leaders argued that the only reason such shoe accessories have failed to work in the past is that “they just haven’t been done right yet.”
As part of their “Get a Freaking Job Already” bill, Republicans proposed that all boots be fitted with helpful straps with which ambitious self-starters could more easily don their work footwear. They displayed some prototypes that they claimed were both stylish and functional, noting that virtually anybody over the age of four could successfully “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” and head to work with the helpful attachments.
Ocasio-Cortez rebutted their points, noting that no matter how ambitious these self-starters, people could not literally pull up their own bodies using their bootstraps. Grabbing her Louboutin heels by their straps, she comically hopped around the House floor and showed that despite her best efforts, the laws of physics prevented her from lifting herself entirely off the ground by her own feet.
Republicans promptly argued that Ocasio-Cortez was misinterpreting the “bootstraps” idiom, after which the entire House erupted in a shouting match over the origin of the phrase, with frenzied Googling on cell phones and triumphant calls of “See, I told you so!” echoing throughout the chamber.
Our elected officials spent the remainder of the day and approximately $100,000 of our tax money bitterly arguing their respective points, after which they all agreed to give themselves a raise for their efforts.
Proof, one might say, that literally anybody can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and rise to the highest level of government without any sense or dignity whatsoever.
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