After receiving unjustified criticism for helping to develop an app that automatically proclaimed him the winner, “Mayor Pete” Buttigieg hurried to quash any unpleasantly relevant questions and move forward as the true winner he knows himself to be.
“The Democratic Party has a long and storied tradition of choosing candidates who may not be the most popular, the most competent, or have received the most votes, but have nevertheless proven to us that they deserve to be president,” boasted Tom Perez, Democratic National Committee (DNC) dictator. “Many of them have other qualifications, such as money, minority victim status, and connections to organized crime. Unfortunately, less-informed voters may not take these into account, and they may consequently vote for the wrong candidate.”
He finished with obvious pride, “So although our voting tallies may contain enough errors to kill an elementary school teacher, we have decided that the American public will benefit most from the president that a few out-of-touch elitists have wisely chosen for them. The app (which our investigative reporter discovered to be a Magic 8-Ball) appears to have picked Mayor Pete, and we have the duty to respect its decision.”
He cut the interview short after receiving an urgent text from Mayor Pete himself, saying his lord and master needed assistance choosing an ice cream flavor. “He may not know much about policy, but we all have to appreciate that he focuses on what’s truly important for the country.”
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