After only one day of opening statements in the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump, authorities have been overwhelmed by the mysterious sudden death of viewers around the country. And although the Center for Disease Control (CDC) claims it does not have sufficient evidence to state the cause, first responders have reported that all of the affected individuals were found gathered around televisions blaring cable news (mostly MSNBC, always the leader in media-related deaths).
Police officers around the nation were evidently called to perform routine welfare checks on citizens who had failed to show up to work after the first day of the trial, and what they found has left them in shock. Entire watch parties of eager citizens appear to have simply lost the will to live after watching Adam Schiff and Pat Cippolone prattle on for hours.
Many of the deceased apparently died grasping frantically for remote controls that were just beyond reach, whereas others fell victim to dead batteries. Their grief-stricken loved ones are begging others who are intending to watch the trial today to keep their remotes charged and close at hand, or to “just watch literally anything else, even infommercials about shampoo.”
Strong warnings indeed, from those who have seen the true cost of “democracy.”
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