In a move that shocked millions of Americans (as most were unaware that he was even campaigning), Julian Castro suddenly ended his run for the 2020 Democratic nomination today.
And his nearly half-dozen devoted followers are heartbroken.
“Now that his tax-funded preschool is off the table, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my toddler,” complained one Castro fan. “Thank goodness the other candidates also support unlimited abortion, or I would be up a creek.”
Editor’s note: Upon being told by our field reporter that she was a year past even the most extreme abortion cutoff, the woman began a slew of profanity and abruptly ended her interview.
Another loyalist took up the conversation, saying, “Cuba will never become the utopia it could have been if he is not the leader. First Che Guevara dies, now this?”
Editor’s note: After our field reporter explained that not only was Fidel Castro every bit as deceased as Guevara, but we were not actually in Cuba, the second woman also refused to comment further.
The third of the supporters interviewed expressed his disappointment that the only Hispanic had left the race, leaving Elizabeth Warren as the only person of color in the running for POTUS.
Editor’s note: Not wishing to lose one of the few remaining interview subjects, our field reporter didn’t tell him.
The man continued passionately, “He’s the best man ever to come out of Texas, and we’ll probably never see his like again.
“I wish the guy had a twin or something.”
Editor’s note: Our field reporter has unexpectedly resigned over frustration with what she deems the “clueless populace,” and we are announcing an opening for qualified candidates. We extend a special invitation to current MSNBC employees, as we have found them to be refreshingly unconcerned with trivial details and accuracy. Please submit resume and proof of University Studies degree to News Your Way headquarters.
Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States
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