In an attempt to capitalize on the latest impeachment craze, Planned Parenthood has joined the ranks of food manufacturers to create whatever mint-based product they can market.
As acting president Alexis Johnson pointed out, an organization that provides abortions, STI tests, and mammograms… er, excuse us, mammogram referrals… is somewhat limited in safe flavored products. But showing their typical can-do attitude, they weren’t going to let the fact that an idea was harmful stop them from pursuing it.
Johnson explained that the Planned Parenthood marketing team couldn’t really think of an honest way to portray anything they were making as safe, so they had to stretch the truth quite substantially.
“We came up with mint-flavored birth control pills, which may or may not be effective, and mint-scented IUDs, which are almost certainly going to be deadly. And of course there are the mint-dispensing mammogram machines, which are just vending machines, because we don’t really have a single mammogram machine at any of our facilities. Fortunately, abortion is more lucrative than effective birth control anyway, and the media doesn’t usually cover deaths, malpractice, or code violations at our clinics.”
She then chuckled, “And if they do, we can just whip out our list of talking points to shame them into silence. You know, ‘You just hate women,’ or, ‘You’re just prejudiced against people who don’t believe in health codes or imaginary mammograms.’ We don’t typically have any problem just doing whatever we want here at Planned Parenthood.”
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